Kiss My Ass

Here’s the Instagram of me at the stroke of midnight on Monday, marking the end of the 2013 “Legislative” Session.  We call it the Legislative session, but it’s more like whack-a-mole with the Republicans, who just keep coming back for more.  Maybe after what we have done this year, they will just go away and we won’t need Session at all!


Yeah Baybee, let’s parteh!

Needless to say, I have been on a binge ever since it ended.  We had so much to celebrate:  repeal of the Death Penalty, masterful gun safety legislation, our blowing in the windmills, our rozenbrigez gas tax legislation, a b as in billion dollas for publik skools in Baltimore, and just all kinds of new stuff  for the People’s Republic of Maryland!  Hiccup.

The only thing we didn’t settle was our dog bite bill.  Guess we needed to get dogs to bite more people, cause we only had one instance of a pit bull mauling a kid and that wasn’t enough.  We coulda used a Sandy Hook where pits were the evil, murderous weapon.  We’ll work on it for next year.

We all loaded up (and got loaded – haha) and went to Nap Town to celebrate.  So glad that I, like many of my fellow asses, have drivers.


See ya at McGarvey’s!

MOM was so happy! He praised the Mikes for their great work of, well, outnumbering the Republicans so we can push through whatever we want:

“I think it’s been a very effective session,” said O’Malley, who is considering a presidential run in 2016. “We’ve had to deal with a lot of tough and difficult issues, but the legislature and the leadership — the speaker and the Senate president — have managed these tough issues in a very orderly way.”

Not everybody is happy.  One of the handful of Republicans left in the state said this:

Senate Minority Leader E.J. Pipkin, R-Cecil, said the session illustrates a big shift to the left.  “I think, led by the governor, the left-wing, liberal, extreme part of the Democrat Party has hijacked the state of Maryland, and it’s holding it hostage,” Pipkin said.

We are not holding the state hostage, we are doing the sheeple’s bidding.  They want us to do this stuff, especially when it comes to stickin it to the rich! That’s basically all we have to say to them and they will keep voting us in for decades!  Oh, and protecting the children.  Works every time!!


Mercy!  I don’t remember this part of the evening at all.  Hey, no posting this on Facebook, OK?

Now that our sheeple have really high taxes, expensive gas, no guns, higher electric bills, not much expendable money, and companies are moving out of the state, MOM signed a bill for job creation.  He just instinctively knows what to do, especially when it comes to involving the government in jobs, jobs, jobs creation.


UGH – I am really hung over.  Lot’s of bar hopping on the taxpayer’s dime, but when it’s free, we really go all out.

The Fix is IN.

Our gun bill is on its way to MOM’s desk.  It should have arrived by now, unless MOMs windmills blew it in a different direction.


Millertime!  Here’s Mikey sending the bill over to MOM’s house.

Now, let’s level with each other.  You don’t really believe that we were passing all this gun stuff for your safety and welfare, do you sheeple?


Then you are stupider that I thought.  I mean, you are scary stupid.

We did this for the sake of MOM’s next career move.  Haven’t you heard that he wants to be Prezy, and the more radical he makes Maryland, the more likely Obama will endorse him?  Where have you been, watching Honey Boo Boo or something? Oh, nevermind.

So, I was just outside MOM’s office last night when I heard the phone ring.  MOM answered.


Hello? Mr. President, it’s soooo wonderful and amazing to hear from you!  You really light up my life.

Mr. President? Hell no, Jackie Boy, it’s Joey!A-Joe-Biden

Buhrack wanted me to congratulate you.  You are doing a very good job, and it is not going unnoticed. It is Jack, isn’t it?

Martin O’Malley
 No, I’ve told you a million times, it’s Martin.  Where’s the President and why isn’t HE calling me? I am doing everything he wants me to do, especially in passing the strictest gun legislation in the country.  I deserve to talk to HIM!


Sorry, Charlie, Jack, or whatever your name is.  He’s, er, holding a budget meeting, or getting a brazilian bikini wax or something. (pshaw, pshaw).  Anyway, thanks for doing his bidding, and we will let you know what your next mission is very soon.  Have a supercallafragalistic day!


UGH!  Guess I better turn up the heat on my GlowBull Warming projects.  Maybe he’ll like me best when I get those windmills really blowing.  Now where is that bill?

We Did It! We Did It. Boy, did we do it!

Oh, Happy Day!  Not when Jesus washed our sins away, silly.  Right now! The Senate JUST PASSED our gun safety bill at 6:40 PM tonight!  And it was so easy.  The Republicans gave impassioned speeches and it went right through our brains like sieves.  Nothing ever sticks when they talk.

And the rafters were again full of children who wanted us to keep them safe from killers.  That’s their single-minded focus, except maybe a trip to Storm Bros after for ice cream.  How else do you keep them still?

Here’s one child who wants the Second Amendment to be eliminated all together.


YEEEEEES.  I speak for the children.  Pass the bill so that evil can run rampant!!!

Well, that can certainly be on our radar for next year.  Right now, it’s a night of celebration, as is every night for us “legislators” in Maryland.


Hey, if you stand on your head, MOM is actually lowering taxes!





Arrivederci Maryland

I was just polishing the rubber stamp in MOM’s office in preparation for the Bill Signing Ceremony, when I came across this on his desk:

Dear Mr. OweMalley,

As you know, we are a 500 year old, world renowned Italian company.  We opened our domestic manufacturing plant in Maryland 35 years ago, and have been hugely successful, in spite of all of your grabs at our revenue and your anti-business legislation.  We employ hundreds of Maryland citizens, and are the Number One standard sidearm supplier in the world, providing 500,ooo units to the Armed Forces. 

We made it clear to you in 1990 when you tightened gun legislation that we would move out of your state if it got worse.  You assured us that you would not go any further in stomping on the Second Amendment.  Then you met Obama at a golf outing, and the rest is history. 

You lied and gun ownership died in Maryland! We will not sit back idly and continue to  make the guns that you now say will be illegal to purchase.  After what you have done to us and all the law-abiding citizens in this now Un-Free state, we have no choice but to move to Virginia.

May the maggots of a thousand espicey meatballs in vermicelli infest your underpants.

Arrivederci and Good Riddance!



 Well!  Just who does he think he is? How dare he disrespect MOM like that!  With that attitude, we don’t want him in Maryland anyway.


Ciao, and take your nasty bird with you!

Mikey Miller made this observation:


“I’m concerned. I think they’re going to move,” Maryland Senate President Thomas V. Mike Miller Jr., told the Post. “They sell guns across the world and in every state in the union — to places a lot more friendly to the company than this state.”

Er, duh? Not sure why he said this, except he may have been a little tipsy from all those Appletinis at McGarvey’s.

No matter, we will always do MOM’s bidding, cause MOM is moving our State Forward!  Well, maybe a little more to the left than forward.

OK, my work is finished here.  The bills will be landing on MOM’s desk any minute.


Due to the sequester cutbacks, we will no longer be using rubber stamps.  We are forced to use potatoes instead.

Five Days Left, Sukkas!

Have you seen today’s Capital newspaper?  Here’s a glimpse of the front page:


Maryland House Begins Final Debate on Maryland’s Gun Bill

Then this Picture (but different story), right next to the headline:


Wow – pretty accurate reporting, cause we sure are burning down the house with all the Republicans in it!  We’ve been “debating” the bill going on two days now, meaning we shoot down (metaphorically speaking, of course) everything that they propose.  Just like target practice where you can’t miss.  This really is way too easy.

And in the rafters of the Senate Office Building (SOB) were all the moms (and props kiddies) feeling like superior parents for supporting our legislation that will be completely against the Constitutional rights of law abiding citizens protect our schools from another Adam Lanza and our movie theaters from another James Holmes.  Who cares if they were certifiably nucking futz, and a looney bin would have been the preventive measure?

lanzaJames Holmes

Taking your guns away will keep us all safe from people like this.

Anyhoo, we expect the bills to land on MOM’s desk really soon.  And his pen is locked and loaded.

We still have some very inventive bills to put the nails in the coffins of freedom-loving Marylanders, such as:

SB 706 – to quadruple the number of signatures needed to bring a bill/law to referendum

 HB 493/SB673 – to increase bureaucracy, thereby decreasing ability to bring bills/laws to referendum.  Senator Miller said they wouldn’t pass this year but they’ve not been withdrawn.  HAHA – Mikey’s a slick one!

HB 683/SB 700 – 50% raise in rolled tobacco tax, 95% rise in other tobacco tax

HB 660/SB 827 – takes almost all functions away from Comptroller and places in hands of Secretary appointed by the Governor

SB 576 – bag tax

HB 1255 – regulate towing operators (undue burden on small operators)

HB 1214 – arbitrary food subject to “snack tax”

HB 1335 – requires employers to pay 80% of premium for short term disability policy for already pregnant employees (already pregnant ensures the premiums will be very high)

SB 710 – almost doubles the number of Public Service Commission Commissioners

So, guess it’s time for me to return to my chess game work for the People’s Republic of Maryland.  Obama will surely endorse MOM after all he’s done to, er, for, the State.


Can’t wait for my crowning.

Dirty Deeds, Done. Dirt. Sheep.

Our wonderful sheeple in Maryland just keep voting us in and voting us in.  And the only way to splain it is that they really love to be taxed!  Actually, they love for the “rich” to be taxed, but we change the definition of rich all the time and many times we define them as “rich”.  But they don’t want to be rich because the rich are evil.  So they happily give up their money – for the greater good.


Sadomasochistic sacrificial lambs – tax me, no,tax me! No, ME first.

Since WE as elected officials “represent” our sheeple and this is what they want, and WE vastly outnumber those elephants, WE “call all the shots.”  Heck, we don’t even have to legislate, we just show up to session (many times hung over), play our video games, make sure that we use our daily taxpayer funded food minimum at a local bar, and do it all over again, for 90 days straight.  How fun is that?


Thanks for voting me MOM of the Year!  You love me, you really love me.

Last week, we had a little tiff in the House.  Seems like some R people got upset when we rubber stamped  passed our gas tax a little prematurely.  Mike “Anheuser” Busch really, really wanted to get to happy hour, so he “called the shot” early.  Passing our gas caused a huge stink!

Republicans charge that  the speaker locked in a preliminary tally and called for the final vote before  anyone had a chance to change their minds or make sure they pushed the right  button.

The GOP caucus walked out  of the chamber in protest. According to the speaker’s office, the bill passed  76-63.

Read more:

Hey, not only did we make it to Mojito happy hour, we screamed with laughter over the recent story about a certain elephant who plans to secretly follow MOM around while he speechifies across the country:

MDGOP’s No Left Turn Tour (No – I am NOT making this up!)

David Ferguson, executive director of the Maryland Republican Party, vowed Tuesday that he or someone else affiliated with the state GOP will show up each time O’Malley attends an out-of-state event, starting this weekend in South Carolina.

“Anytime O’Malley goes and makes a stop on his presidential parade, we’re going to follow him and let people know who the real Martin O’Malley is,” said Ferguson.

HAHAHAHA – You tell ’em, Fergie!


Veeeeeeeeeeeeeddy Interestink!

HAHAHAHA – I can’t stop laughing.  Bonus – while they run around the country further cementing their image as hapless idiots, we will be shining up our next candidate for Guvner and planning our post-election parties.  This is just too easy! HAHAHA.  Tee hee.

Having low information voters as our base is also incredibly helpful.

They are so busy following this:


Keeping Up with the Kartrashians: Married woman pregnant with  lover’s child.

That they have no idea about this:

Martin O’Malley’s Maryland Mess

Just Sayin

“If sequestration takes place, that’s going to be a great setback. We don’t need to be having something like sequestration that’s going to cause these job losses — over 170 million jobs that could be lost,” Maxine Waters said. (D-CA).

Our new math at work again!  There are currently 134 million people employed, but so what if she made up 36 million fictitious workers.  We always exaggerate a little to get people’s attention!


Out of the mouths of Jackasses!

Take MOM, for example.

Since he was first elected, O’Malley’s fiscal policies have led many to believe that failure was not a question of ‘if’, but ‘when.’  His fiscally conservative predecessor, Gov. Bob Ehrlich, left him with a budget surplus and a relatively vibrant private sector. However, six years, 24 tax hikes and over $180 billion later, O’Malley’s economic plan is failing the citizens of Maryland. (The Blaze)

See, we  have a big crisis on our hands, and MOM is trying to solve it!  And to get people’s attention, he uses tried and true tactics, like these:

#1 Blame Bush

But we should not lose sight of how far we are coming and what a big hole we were left by George W. Bush.

#2 Blame the Republicans

I am not surprised that this is a longer bit of work than many of us would have  hoped. It is not where any of us would have hoped it is. And I think we need to  give credit to the Republicans in Congress who have done everything they can to  defeat every jobs bill and slow down the economy.

#3 Pee on their shoes and tell them it’s raining

There is a sickness in this country and that sickness is gun violence,” O’Malley said, repeating a phrase he has used on national television and at public events in the weeks after the Connecticut shooting that killed 20 children. “Gun violence is truly a public health issue,” O’Malley said.

#4 Suck up to Obama (cause everybody loves Obama, especially MOM’s peeps in Balt City and PG County)

We have now under President Obama’s leadership had 29 months in a row of private  sector job growth. That stretch of positive private sector job growth hasn’t  happened since 2005. We still have a long way to go, but we are moving in the  right direction.

#5 Blame Bush – It still works, even five years later!

We have not recovered all that we lost in the Bush recession. That’s why we need  to continue to move forward.

#6 Bring in small business and children

I ask that you pass the Maryland Healthcare Act. Among other things the act will create a Health Insurance Exchange to help small businesses find more affordable coverage for their employees–on a pre-tax basis; require insurance companies to allow younger adults up to age 25 to be covered under their parents’ policies;
provide healthcare coverage to more children in our state.

#7 Bring in the babies, poor , unfortunates, and elderly

We are reducing infant mortality to record lows. We are now feeding tens of thousands of Maryland children who would otherwise would go hungry.  We are doing more than ever before to shelter the homeless. We are helping families, and helping our neighbors free themselves from the despair of substance abuse.

#8 Attack Republicans (with really weird observations)

“The only health care mandate they can embrace are transvaginal probes for women,” he said of Republicans. McDonnell signed a mandatory ultrasound bill in March that required women to have an ultrasound before getting an abortion. The bill was later revised, allowing women to opt for an abdominal ultrasound.

#9 Make stuff up

We are clearly better off as a country because we’re now creating jobs rather than losing them.

My bill will promote jobs, diversify sources of energy and reduce greenhouse gas emissions.

The unemployment rate in Maryland is 7.1 percent

#10 Do it for political reasons but say your intent is “fairness”

After months of hard work, we came together to pass a bill that treats everyone fairly and equally under the law while protecting religious freedom. We then became the first state ever to defend marriage equality at the ballot box.

#11 Become a motivational speaker and guru

If we want to be winners in this changing new economy, the best investments we can make are investments in ourselves.

Plan Maryland our State’s first long-range plan for sustainable growth and a vision that will allow us to invest in a smarter, greener, more prosperous future. We need smart growth for a number of reasons. But it really boils down to a simple concept: we need to believe enough in tomorrow to invest in it today.

Life is an ever evolving story of change and choice –letting go of things and ways that were, in order to reach for that which we have yet to achieve.

#12 Tow the party line on junk science, and act like you really believe it

We are one of the most vulnerable states in our country to the impact of sea-level rise.  Climate disruption is real.  Climate change is not an ideological issue any more than gravity is.  It is physics, pure and simple.

#13 Sound biblical

We are a state, yes; but, we can also act like the heart of a forward-moving country whose eyes and ears are open to the world.

I believe that all of us here in Maryland are truly covered by the shield of His goodness. We need only the courage to let go. To let go of the falsehoods, the vengeance, the short-sightedness of rash and oftentimes imbalanced decisions – the things of our past that no longer serve.

OK, we will end at lucky 13.  In the meantime, I can’t tell you how many R people have said that they are moving out of Maryland!  We are excited as that will create at least 40,000 jobs!  Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the non sequitur tactic.


Just leave.  Your carbon foot prints are too big anyway!

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