We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ W.H. Auden
That purple sky is not an impending snow storm, or even light rain (rain that got our skools cancelled last week because we pretended it was snow!) It’s the purple haze of the Super Bowl win, in which we are still basking. And our win has made some football players living in The Free State very rich indeed!
Highest paid player and highest paid mouse in history!
(Per the Ticket) NFL quarterback Joe Flacco this week signed a new contract with the Baltimore Ravens worth $120.6 million over six years, making him the highest-paid player in the league’s history. But because the Super Bowl MVP plays in Maryland, a state with a 51.98 percent marginal income tax rate, Flacco won’t necessarily take home the most cash in the NFL.
In Maryland, we share. We know that Joe didn’t build that on his own, didn’t “get there by working harder than anyone else,” and had some skool teacher going over rozenbrigez (roads and bridges)that somebody else built to tutor him and be a “mentor.” Hey, we bought the tickets to see him, so therefore WE made him a kazillionaire. Naturally we should get
a lot some of his money. His revenue is our revenue.
By playing for the Ravens, Flacco will shell out an estimated $10.44 million annually. After six years of paying state and local taxes in the Baltimore area, Flacco will earn a salary of $52.32 million—$10.32 million less than if he had played in states without an income tax.
MOM is positively salivating over Flacco’s paycheck. And when MOM takes out our revenue, Flacco becomes the second highest paid player in history. And with our new revenue initiatives, Flacco may get wiped off the “highest paid” list all together, so he won’t even need to worry about first or second place.
On another note, we know that gun control works! As mentioned before, it works to keep us safe from you. However, some of MOM’s disciples in the Teachers Union have gotten a little too excited and suspended kids who pointed their fingers in “pretend” guns, and even one who nibbled a Pop Tart into the “shape of a gun.”. Teachers are just so anxious to support MOM that they are seeing guns everywhere! See something, say something, say anything, even if you imagined it, remember?
Seven year old Pop-gun Tart manufacturer Josh Welsh
Because of Josh’s action, his classmates have been permanently scarred from seeing a Pop Tart shaped like a gun. Why, they may never eat another Pop Tart again. That will certainly make Michelle O happy! (More for her).
Following the incident, the school immediately took control and sent a letter to all of the parents, even offering counseling. From the memo:
If your children express that they are troubled by today’s incident, please talk with them and help them share their feelings. Our school counselor is available to meet with any students who have the need to do so next week. In general, please remind them of the importance of making good choices.
Hmmmm, making good choices. That sounds like code for you will be severely punished if this ever happens again.
Caution, mature content below.
EEEE GADS – It’s a Pop Tart shaped like a cat, and I’m scared of cats! Can I see the counselor?
You really need to put that hand gun down, it’s loaded with boogers!
Supporters of MOM, especially teachers, need directions. In writing. On how to think. Because of this, one legislator has proposed a new bill that will hopefully help the teachers gauge a situation (that could be so ridiculous it would be parody gold):
Republican Sen. J.B. Jennings introduced a bill in the Maryland Senate that would prohibit schools from suspending students for obviously harmless childish acts such as playing toy guns, or imaginary guns made from food or fingers.
Jennings points (can I say that?) out that these suspensions go on the child’s permanent record!
“This is going to go on that student’s permanent record, a suspension. He’s going to carry that throughout his entire school career. It just kind of says hey; let’s take a step back here. Do we really need to suspend this student? Now, if it’s been done in a violent manner, yes, we can still suspend that child.”
But how do we decide if hand guns and Pop Tarts are “done in a violent manner”? This is too complicated. Let’s just BAN hands and pop tarts all together! That solves everything.
Down the road, we may ban football too, because it is way too violent. But for the time being, we’ll let Flacco play so we can take his revenue. Hey, with his money, we can give those stressed out teachers and counselors a raise.